galaism

at least

2009-12-17T02:37:00.001-08:00

we talked.well, not the way we used to.but it's ok.at least we talked.

breaking down...

2009-10-28T03:03:00.001-07:00

i'm loosing control....

what a revelation!

2009-06-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

i've been viewing the girl's profile in freindster.
she's quiet pretty yes but not as pretty as the first time i saw her online.
she's 24 and she studies in CNU.she didn't have much to say in her profile and i think she's not fond of doing that.well,the song that Mr.X gave me was the same song that's in her media box.she say's there that it's for forever.i certainly hope so.

as i was viewing her photos a zillion times, i noticed for like a longer time than i should have that i know somebody in her photo.it's ate sally and chariza.both of them are my churchmates.i guess they were somewhat like relatives.

this is such a shocking revelation.now a lot of my questions will surely be answered.

and by the way, her name is daisy jane.

here's how i found it out

2009-06-17T01:53:00.000-07:00

i've seen him in my "who's viewed me" in my friendster so i got the guts to send him a message and a comment. i said to him that i find the time that we had in merida very wasted because it was supposed to be the time when i'll finally get the answers to all my questions. but i also told him that maybe it was not wasted at all, maybe it was just not the perfect time for me to know the answers yet.before i did that, our common friend sent me a message with the phrase: "love pa nimo sya dai.,.,.,hehehe..." well then, i asked him if it was a question or a statement. i also said that if it's a question the answer is yes but if it's a statement i'll agree with him. in addition to that, i also told him that however i felt for him does not really matter to him now.
after i sent him the message, i viewed his old account and i was squeezed when i saw an album entitled, "me and my mommy".omg!that's the only word that came out to my mouth.though i was already sure what it was and who that girl could be in his life, i sill viewed the photos in that album just to confirm the obvious truth."oh my God!oh my God!oh my God!"well, what more can i say? i need someone to talk to that very moment but i can't find one.ate joy was there but she was too happy that time and i don't want to ruin her disposition. so when she came out all i did was i gave her the biggest smile that i could have and gave her a good wish of enjoyment in her date. so i just sent him a message saying that the album that he posted summed up all the answers to my question and i assured him that i was ok and cool and that i won't be freaking out.i also asked him to love the girl and begged him not to try in hurting the girl ever.
i was about to sent my friend a message about what happened but the thought that facing the same social networking where i found the truth is just so unbearable.so i went out and my brain is commanding me to go to the apartment.maybe somebody's there.when i was in the tricycle,my tears are crazy kicking to pour out.i prayed that i couldn't cry there and i said to God that i need someone to talk to and asked Him to let somebody be in the apartment.when i finally got there,nobody was there.so i finally cried on my own. it just hurts so much. i don't think any word in the dictionary could define the pain that i felt that time. and nobody could.
well,surprisingly i managed to show the people that surrounds me that nothing happened.i still managed to show them the smile that they always get from me.
it was a Wednesday night and i need to be in the church.it was the talk that i,mommy bless and ate joy had. mommy knew it at tuesday night so she haven't told me about it yet.anyways, i told them how i found it out and i finally said,"the girl is very pretty, as in!"

last wednesday

2009-06-14T02:27:00.000-07:00

i was in my friend's internet cafe because my mama asked me to have their photos scanned.so i went their and waited for my friend to come in the cafe.while i was waiting for him,i logged in to my friendster account so i can reply my friends' comments and messages their like i always do everytime i am in that place.
well,guess what i found out.he has a new girl already.
how did i feel?
i'll blog it next time...i'm not capable of telling the world how much it hurts yet.

the day we suppose to have

2009-05-17T01:27:00.000-07:00

but it's not ours anymore..

it's the past's alone...

and there's nothing left for me to say now but..

the same days like this is not ours anymore and...

it belongs to the past alone..

what happened?

2009-05-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

It’s 3:52am and I am trying to write a poem or a story or whatever that can lead me to write something about my confusion of how you faded away with just a click. I created the title “what happened?” but really don’t know how to start the right way. All I know is that I still could not make my self move on from the disappearing act that you made that made me think every day of my life what really happened to you, to us.
It’s 4:00am and still can’t think of what to write first because the first thing that we had was so sweet and now I couldn’t tell how it became so bitter.
It’s 4:06am and I can’t think of anything that I’ve done that made you leave me this way – hanging. The last phone call that I had with you was ok and you even told me we’re gonna meet on a Monday but I never understand why you didn’t tell me that you can’t show up.
It’s 4:11am and I’m listening to the song that you introduced to me which is entitled forever. Now the song was done but I’m not done yet in thinking of why you gave me that song when in the first palce you cannot sing it to me but instead you just walked away without even a sound.
It’s 4:19am and I can’t help but think how stupid it was of me to give my heart to you. I wish you were here when I cried so you will know how sorry you should be in turning your back on me.
It’s 4:23am and my speaker is busted. I realized that it took me three years of mending my broken heart by myself and then when it was completely fixed you took it and you did not tell me that it's you who will breake it again; instead you kept your mouth shut and went away.
It’s 4:35am and I’m staring at my monitor. I remember when I told you that I know you will someday be gone and you insisted a hundred times that you won’t be and now I can’t believe that you’re just really gone.
It’s 4:41am and here’s your song again. A flashback came to me just now when we’re outside the garden and I wrote the words “just stay” at the back of the picture that asked from me. I was too honest to believe that you’ll really stay. Well, where are you?
It’s 4:50am and I’m too sleepy already. I’m thinking of changing the title though. And here I am, thinking that nothing’s gonna change now. You leave me and I’m left here still thinking of why you were suddenly gone. I am ever praying that God will let you talk to me and make me understand what really happened to you.
It’s 4:55am and my papa is already awake. Still, I have this same thought everyday, that I don’t want you back but I still love you, that I don’t need you but I badly miss you.
It’s 5:00am and I need to sleep now.

i never thought i would but i did

2009-05-03T18:21:00.000-07:00

i thought i was strong enough not to cry even if it hurts.
but i cried. i cried too hard that it made me realize how much i gave and i loose.

i've been taking care of my heart for three years since my first break-up with my first boyfriend. right after that, i found it hard to trust anybody when it comes to taking my heart from me.

he saw me. he came to me and he conquered.
he asked me to give my heart to him which i did.
he promised to take care of it forever but he didn't.
he broke it instead.

well, what else can i do.
nothing but cry.

we're done

2009-05-03T18:06:00.000-07:00

i was waiting for him to explain but he never did.
his silence pushed me to finally end it up.
there must be a reason why he's trying to avoid me.
whatever it is i'm willing to listen.
i'm willing to understand.

these were my last words to him:
" this is probably the last time that i will say this to you, amping,God bless,i love you and goodbye".

omg!omg!omg!omg!

2009-05-02T05:46:00.000-07:00

i'm online and he is,too.
i've been waiting for him to send me a message or a comment but i got nothing.
i viewed he's profile and i found out that he deleted my two comments for him.
one was a sad face and the other one was a question which i asked this way, "where are you?". could this mean something bad?

i tried to miss a call for him and it rang.now this really means something bad.

i sent him a message like this, " hey...are you avoiding me? just say so if you want me to." :(

Freedom is ok

2009-04-29T00:25:00.000-07:00

The next day, the same time, I sat with my best friend at the campus lobby before our class started. Love song about freedom spilled in the air. We both laughed because we both knew she wants to be free. I can’t remember how the topic went to me. She said the ‘he-did-not-text-me-on-a-Monday’ issue made it very suspicious of him. We both don’t want to think about it but our considerations for him still won’t fit in the situation. Well, all I was able to say was, I am ok and whatever happens, I will be ok.
Ian, my seatmate in GenPsych and one of my close classmates. Ma’am Bona was still confirming report schedules with my classmates so I got the chance to talk to Ian about what happened. He too was suspecting my guy. But then again, I don’t want to think about it because my brain is not capable of accepting it because of the way I knew him. So again, we went to some considerations, but still, it came out that it really wouldn’t be considerable unless my second consideration really happened.
1pm, it was still one of the things that I was thinking of. I sat with Princess at the same place I sat with my best friend in the morning. She’s one of the nice people I know and she’s my classmate. I asked her about it and said the same thing as Ian and my best friend said. I really don’t want to think that he doesn’t like me anymore but if he does, I’m pretty sure that I’ll be ok.
I did not receive any text from him the whole day. When I was on my way home until I arrived, the things that happened to us last week flashed back to me: he didn’t bring his phone with him after their game because he went out with his teammates. This is the thing that I really don’t understand about him. Why does he do that? What if somebody will ring him for an emergency? Or what if me, his girlfriend, would want to text him or call him? Is his ‘hanging-out’ with his friends very important that he doesn’t want any interruptions? Just like what happened last Thursday. I was at the apartment and I planned to call him at 11pm. I informed him first that I will call him. I sent him 3 messages but he didn’t reply so I thought maybe they still had a game or whatever they’re being called to do as players. I kept on ringing him but he did not answered until 2am.I just felt so bad but sad to say I had not spit it out to him. It felt so heavy but I just don’t know why I did not tell him how I exactly felt. There were things that we talked about that made it clear about the things that I don’t like. But of all those things were just like said for him to know. I told him that need not to worry about it because it is really up to him if he’ll do something about it or don’t. I’m not demanding anything from him because I’m not that kind of person. I know where to place my self in other people’s life.
So much of the flash back things, I have thought of something that I want to ask my friends opinion about. I want to break up with him. I want to give him the freedom that he once had. In this case, he wouldn’t worry anything about what I’ll say about everything that he’s doing in his life. He can do whatever he wants to do without considering my feelings. He can leave his phone in peace whenever he wants to knowing that nobody will text or call him that he’s obligated to reply or answer back. In the same way, I won’t worry about anything just the way I live my life before. I know it would be hard but I am also sure as certain is that I will be ok.

What’s wrong?

2009-04-29T00:17:00.000-07:00

He told me that we’ll meet up on a Monday after getting his overtime pay. I was waiting for his text but I didn’t receive one. It was 10am and I still didn’t hear anything from him so I became tired of waiting that I finally texted him first and asked if he made it to the plant to get his paycheck. No reply. I was sitting in my General Psychology subject and thanks to Ma’am Bona for the amusing things she said during our period because it made me think of something else aside from his precious text message. Hours have passed still no reply. Well, I’m not that narrow-minded person so I tried to consider some possibilities why he didn’t text me yet: number one, maybe he’s still in the plant and he hadn’t managed to reload before going their and will reload immediately as soon as he will get to be in the downtown. That situation already happened before and without a doubt, I will understand if it happens again; number two: he’s phone is snatched. This would be the nicest excuse that could ever happened that would make me totally worried and would make me feel terribly sorry for him. The nicest because he can say that he was not able to memorize the numbers that I’m using so he didn’t know how to reach me. Number three: maybe he didn’t make it to the plant and had not reloaded yet. This one’s not too considerable. He could ask somebody’s phone to inform me that he can’t show up that day; number four: he’s in some little big league again. He’s not bringing his phone with him every time he has a game; or he’s out with his friends.
Our subject ended and we headed for lunch which means the time has ticked to 12noon. I texted him again saying that I’m having lunch with my peeps at that moment. After we had our lunch, I reloaded his number so he could reply to my text messages. I waited for him to text a ‘thank you’ and a ‘sorry for the late reply’ to me after a couple of minutes, but still, haven’t got anything from him. Again, I considered some of the possibilities that I already thought of. I don’t know how I felt right then but I know I was ok.
Keirne, one of my classmates and miming, my best friend’s boyfriend and also a classmate knew about what I was up to so they asked if I’m ok. I said I was but I did not know what I am supposed to feel. I don’t know if I should be mad or I should be worried because I haven’t heard any explanations from him yet.
The question ‘why he didn’t show up’ played on my mind over and over again. Though I felt uneasy that day, I decided to wait for his explanations but won’t text him first. Maybe he’ll show up the next day or within this week. Well, we never know and we never knew.

what a relief!

2009-04-29T00:09:00.000-07:00

I finally finished my Management Information System presentation.

It is so weird and it happens all the time whenever I'm in situations like this.
Every time I'm assigned for a report or a presentation, the past hours before my presentation,
I would really feel nervous and got shaky. My hands sweat and my eyes are like restless birds.
But when my time comes for the presentation, my heart always calms down. It becomes as peaceful as a river in a fine weather. My mouth speaks smoothly.

Is this normal?

the title

2009-04-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

what do you want to tell the world?

KUTLESS

2009-03-04T23:12:00.001-08:00

I've had Kutless on my Winamp playlist these past weeks and I cannot sing along some of there songs because I don't know the lyrics. And so I decided to search the song lyrics.
When i typed the Saviour Child song lyrics, Google gave me a link that caught my tired eyes. It says,"KUTLESS EXPOSED",yes, in caps. and below it are words such as this: For a so-called "Christian band," KUTLESS sings lyrics that are so obscure .... People need to be told that Jesus is the Saviour, that Jesus is the ONLY Way ...It is very intriguing to me because I've been reading testimonies (in the band's official website, ) of lives being changed because of there music and this link has been shown to me unexpectedly .

click the link below if you want to know what i'm talking about.
http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/CCM/kutless.htm

leave a comment in this post or in my Tagboard so I may know what you think about it.

Thank you.

dried out

2009-03-01T22:10:00.000-08:00

i had my longest sleep ever.
i fell asleep last night at 10pm in front of the television and my brother woke me up at 7am. i've never slept that long .
but it did not make any different from the past weeks when i only slept for at least2-3 hours a day.why? because of the things that people inside our house always bring up to me. they are giving me responsibilities that i really can't bear. they are expecting me to give them things which i guess i'm too young to give .
i don't understand why i'm stuck in this.i'm not suppose to be handling these things on my own. things which i believe parents are responsible shouldering.
but i can't do anything about this. they want to be out of this and that's what they are doing right now. that leaves the problems to me alone. i don't know what to do.
i'm tired.
very tired.
i'm completely dried out.

01252009; 1:30

2009-01-29T23:42:00.000-08:00

I know that You can do anything
It is written and I believe it
You are the author of the unbreakable promises
It is written and I’ll hold on to it

But sometimes when life seems unfair
I become prone of letting go from You
Trying too hard to make things right
And doing so makes me so far away from You

I’m sorry Lord
I have kept miracles from happening
I have stopped great things from flowing
I have closed the doors of blessings
And so here I am again
On my knees confessing…

wa pa ko kahibaw unsa ako i-title..hehe...

01162009; 3:19

2009-01-26T19:55:00.000-08:00

I miss him.
I’m listening to his song right now.
I’ll keep on listening to it.
I have my ears on it over and over again.
This is not the first time that I’m doing this.
I do this like a hundred times everyday.
This is the only way that I will know how much he loves me.
The only promise that I can hold on to.
A promise that spells as “forever”.
Though it doesn’t exist in this world,
It does in my world which is his, too.
He loves me so much.
I don’t know why I’m so sure about it.
All I know is that I’m sure that he really does.
I love him so much, too.
I’m so sure about this.
I don’t know why.
All I know is that I do.

3:27

He's my comforter and friend..

2009-01-10T02:49:00.000-08:00

this past few weeks has become my life's twists and turns story.

there is this God's creation that took my heart.
i let him do it.
i don't have any regret of doing it because i know deep
inside me that i can trust him.
ask me why and i'll say that i do because i can see through
his inward parts that he's sincere,true, and he's not capable of hurting me.
he said he'll stay with me forever.
i believe it.
i love him.

i felt so much joy when he came in.
but something happened.
the usual thing that happens everytime i meet somebody
i want to be with.

they want me to cut it off.
i don't understand why they always do it.
i don't know why and how coud it be so wrong.
it hurts me so deeply that i don't have the enough
strength to reason out and shed the tears that i need to.
it is totally unfair but the pain is too much that it made me
too weak to argue, even just in my mind.

so i said ask God why is this thing happening?
a couple of tear shed from my eyes but that's all i got.
nothing else has came out.

i don't really know when will i get answers.
beacuse of this uncertainty all the words that
i said to the Lord at our prayer time after our practice
was, "let me see the things that You want me to see and do the
things that You want me to do. but for now, comfort me please.
You see my heart and read my thoughts. You know how deep my
pain is. You alone understands how i feel and think. You understand
every little thing about me. and You alone can do something about this
because i myself have no idea on how to deal with this. thank You for
knowing me inside out. "

the people that sorrounds me have not sense where i'm in right now.
but it's ok. i don't want them to know in the first place anyway.
they won't understand for sure. maybe they will but i too tired of
talking about it because it drains me.
i say it's ok. i have a friend that definitely knows my feelings without asking
and directly comforts me al through out.

the day before the thanksgiving day

2008-11-16T21:17:00.000-08:00

we celebrated the thanksgiving day in our church yesterday.
everybody was having so much fun, but, not all of them knew
how tired we were in preparing for the day.

last Saturday night, i went to the church at 5:20 pm for our
praise and worship practice. it was not the usual practice that
we always have. we practiced 8 songs. 4 of them are new.
it's for the morning and afternoon youth service. i don't know
what's up with me that time because i really had a hard moment
of memorizing the lyrics. i felt so drained. the absence of the other
back up singers made it even harder. i was letting my all my
strength to come out because it's the only thing that i need and
supposed to do. when were done, i could hardly breath. i don't mean
it literally. i was just so amazed that i did most of the singing than
anybody else did.

after the practice, kuya ryan and i went to their house to get my brochure
from him.i was not expecting to see them (welmar, ate pamie, wawing and
dave) in the living room cutting out the printed letters for the church
decoration.they were the people who made the decoration in the church
anniversary last September, too. we finished it at 12am. i was supposed to
go home after i got the brochure but they forced me to stay. they asked me
to help since i was there last anniversary decoration. and so i stayed. we had
dinner their. they got fried chicken and i got fried fish. poor me. duh. it has
always been this way. i'm used to it already but it still make me feel pitiful to
myself. so much for the dinner drama, we continued doing our work. we finally
had it all done at 1:20 something in the morning. i got home at 2. fall asleep
at 2:30 something. woke up by a human mouth alarm clock.

i am so thankful to God that i have gone through that day with happiness in spite
of the headache and back pains i had. He's always their - to renew my strength -
that's what we will always be thanking of, even if it's not a thanksgiving day.

it's my birthday!

2008-07-23T23:58:00.000-07:00

yea,i'm leaving the minority behind.
quite exciting for me.maybe there will be no so much change.
but i'm positive!i will be changed for the better.
i can say that i've already grown up a bit.
in relationships,commitments,responsibilities.
i want to grow more - spiritually.
i always feel blessed whenever i feel my Father in heaven within me.
but i want to fall for Him deeper and deeper.
deeper than i've ever been before.
i'm craving for His presence day by day.
i feel that i've never heve enough of it.
i hunger and thirst for my Saviour everyday.
i've given my life to Him i will forever devote myself to Him for the rest of my life.

at last!

2008-03-25T01:56:00.000-07:00

hahay..after the long sleepless nights, i can now finally spoil myself to sleep.
that just means one thing:"bakasyon na!"
-no projects to make, no dealines to meet, no scary defense to prepare
-no need for killing myself from not eating ice cream once a week

i love vacation, though it means that i will not be able to see my best friends
too often, vacations gives me reason to miss the people that i care.

i'm gonna be missing all the people that i see in school:
-my best friends
-my dear classmates
-casual friends and acquaintances
-schoolmates who are strangers in my life
-my instructors(especially si sir...)hehe

see you guys on June 9

God bless :)

new day!

2008-03-03T01:35:00.000-08:00

it's as if wa mi defense sa softeng ugma.
sige lang mi anig friendster.
mada ra bitaw kuno nig smile ingon si junlotz.
sure ka jun?
nah.uyabon nalang ni nako si sir wui.
hehe.^_^

new day

2008-02-27T22:12:00.000-08:00

i want to start up a new thing this time.